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Tuesday, May 5, 2026

How philosophy handles FOMO, failure, and the midlife disaster


What’s the purpose of philosophy?

It’s an previous query, perhaps one of many oldest within the historical past of philosophy, and there has by no means been a consensus reply. Some folks assume the purpose of philosophy is to make the world make sense, to point out how every little thing hangs collectively. For others, philosophy is a sensible software that ought to inform us the right way to dwell.

In the event you’re within the latter camp, then it’s honest to say that you simply consider philosophy as a type of self-help. It’s a convention of thought that — in principle, not less than — can information you to a greater life, or one thing like that. And I don’t assume that’s an excessive amount of to ask of philosophy. What good is all that ruminating if it may well’t give you one thing helpful if you’re anxious or depressed or mired in a kind of dreaded midlife crises?

Kieran Setiya is a thinker at MIT and the creator of a number of books, most not too long ago Life Is Laborious: How Philosophy Can Assist Us Discover Our Means and Midlife: A Philosophical Guide. Setiya’s work is uncommonly accessible and a fantastic instance of philosophy that basically tries to wrestle with the concrete issues of on a regular basis life.

I not too long ago invited Setiya on The Grey Space to speak in regards to the perils of center age and the way philosophy has helped pull us out of the darkish. Beneath is an excerpt of our dialog, edited for size and readability. As all the time, there’s way more within the full podcast, so take heed to and comply with The Grey Space on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, or wherever you discover podcasts. New episodes drop each Monday.


Sean Illing

You wrote a e book known as Life Is Laborious. Not that your philosophy of life may be summed up in three phrases, however for those who needed to sum it up in three phrases, is that it?

Kieran Setiya

I feel it’s. Historic philosophers like Plato and Aristotle thought in regards to the excellent life and so they tried to offer a blueprint for — and a map towards — it. And that may be each unrealistic and in a sure approach self-punitive. Usually the best solution to method the best life is to assume, “That’s not accessible. I shouldn’t beat myself up about the truth that that’s not accessible.” Actually dwelling properly, or dwelling in addition to you’ll be able to, is about coping with the methods through which life is tough.

Sean Illing

How do you outline a midlife disaster?

Kieran Setiya

The midlife disaster is a kind of humorous cultural phenomena that has a specific date of origin. In 1965, this Canadian psychoanalyst Elliott Jaques writes a paper, “Dying and the Midlife Disaster, and that’s the origin of the phrase. Jacques was sufferers and the lives of artists who skilled midlife inventive crises. These have been largely folks of their 30s and it doesn’t actually match the stereotype of the midlife disaster immediately.

There’s been a shift in the best way folks take into consideration the midlife disaster. The thought now’s that individuals’s life satisfaction takes the type of a delicate U-shape, that mainly, even when it’s not a disaster, folks are typically at their lowest ebb of their 40s. That is true for women and men, and it’s true all over the world to differing levels, nevertheless it’s fairly pervasive.

So when folks like me discuss in regards to the midlife disaster, what they actually take into account is extra like a midlife malaise. It might not attain the disaster stage, however there appears to be one thing distinctively difficult about discovering which means and orientation on this midlife interval.

Sean Illing

What’s it about this era that generates all this nervousness?

Kieran Setiya

There are lots of midlife crises; it’s not only one factor. I feel a few of them wish to the previous. There’s remorse. There’s the sense that your choices have narrowed. No matter potentialities would possibly’ve appeared open to you earlier, no matter decisions you’ve made, you’re at some extent the place there are lots of sorts of lives that may have been actually enticing to you, and now it’s clear in a vivid, materials approach that you would be able to’t dwell them.

There’s additionally remorse that issues have gone unsuitable in your life, you’ve made errors, dangerous issues have occurred, and now the mission is, “How do I dwell the remainder of my life on this imperfect circumstance?” The dream life is off the desk for many of us.

Folks even have a way that almost all of life is occupied by this every day grind. Moderately than issues that make life appear positively beneficial, it’s only one factor after one other. After which loss of life begins to appear like it’s at a distance that you would be able to measure in phrases you actually palpably perceive. You’ve a way of what a decade is like, and there’s solely three or 4 left at greatest.

Sean Illing

I’m 42 and I can really feel all of that. While you’re younger, the long run is pure potential. Forward is nothing however freedom and decisions. However as you become older, life shrinks, duties pile up, and also you get trapped within the penalties of the choices you’ve made. That’s a tough factor to wrestle with.

Kieran Setiya

I feel that’s precisely proper. A part of what’s philosophically puzzling about that is that it’s not information. No matter your sense of choices was if you have been 20, you knew you weren’t going to get to do all of these issues. What this implies is that there’s a profound distinction between figuring out that issues would possibly go a sure approach, properly or badly, and figuring out in concrete element how they went properly or badly.

A part of the sense of lacking out has to do with what philosophers name “incommensurable values.” The concept for those who’re selecting between $50 and $100, you are taking the $100 and also you don’t have a second’s remorse. However for those who’re selecting between going to a live performance or staying residence and spending time together with your child, both approach you’re going to overlook out on one thing that’s irreplaceable. One of many issues we expertise in midlife is all of the sorts of lives we don’t get to dwell which might be totally different from our life, and there’s no actual compensation for that, and that may be very painful.

Alternatively, I feel it’s helpful to see the flip aspect. The one approach you may keep away from that sort of lacking out is that if the world was all of a sudden completely impoverished of selection. Otherwise you have been so monomaniacal, you simply didn’t care about something however cash, as an illustration. And also you don’t actually need that.

There’s a approach through which the sense that there’s a lot on the planet we’ll by no means be capable to expertise is a manifestation of one thing we actually shouldn’t remorse, and in reality ought to cherish, specifically the evaluative richness of the world, the variety of excellent issues. And there’s a comfort in that.

Sean Illing

One of many arguments you make is how simply we will delude ourselves once we begin pining for the roads not traveled. “What if I actually went for it? What if I attempted to grow to be a novelist, or a musician, or what if I joined that commune?” Or no matter life fantasy you had if you have been youthful.

However for those who take that critically and contemplate what it actually means, you may not prefer it, as a result of the belongings you would possibly worth probably the most in your life now, like your youngsters, they don’t exist for those who had zigged as a substitute of zagging 15 or 20 years in the past. That’s what it means to have lived that different life.

Kieran Setiya

Philosophy can lead us towards this type of unhelpful abstraction, however it may well additionally inform us what’s going unsuitable with it. The thought, “I may have had a greater life, issues may have gone higher for me”: It’s nearly all the time tempting and true, however if you assume by way of what it might imply in concrete phrases — what would have occurred in case your failed marriage had not occurred?

Usually the reply is that you’d by no means have had your child, or wouldn’t have met these folks. And also you would possibly assume, “Yeah, however I’d have had another unspecifiable associates who would have been nice, and another unspecifiable child who would have been nice.” However I feel we rightly don’t consider our lives simply when it comes to these sorts of summary potentialities, however when it comes to attachments to particulars.

So for those who simply ask your self, “Might my life have been higher?” you’re throwing away one of many primary sources of comfort, a rational comfort, which is attachment to the particularity of the great issues in your individual life, even for those who acknowledge that they’re not good and that there are different issues that would have been higher.

Sean Illing

I’ll say, although, that when actual ache strikes, it’s not all the time straightforward to seek out aid in summary arguments. Two of the toughest moments of my grownup life have been the sudden lack of my mom a couple of years in the past and the surprising lack of a child final 12 months.

Like lots of people, I did that factor the place I felt victimized, just like the world’s conspiring towards me. However then you definately undergo the anger of all that and understand that you simply’re not uniquely unfortunate, that this occurs to folks each day. Ache and loss are a part of life, as central to life as the rest, and good philosophy, whether or not it’s in educational books or novels or movies, will help remind us of that, and I suppose it helped me in that approach.

Kieran Setiya

I’m sorry to listen to about each of these losses. I feel what philosophy has to do is what human beings need to do when confronted with these sorts of difficulties, which isn’t swap too quickly into what I name assurance recommendation mode, which is saying, “It’s all going to be tremendous. Or right here’s what you do.” These are issues we do in private interplay, however they’re additionally variations of philosophical approaches to the difficulties of life.

There’s the sort of theodicy the place philosophers argue that every one is for one of the best. They’ve received some proof that though this appears dangerous, it’s going to work out properly. Or they’ve some principle the place they are saying, “My philosophical precept is that this, I’ll simply apply it to your state of affairs.” And people are hardly ever good philosophical techniques for coping with the sort of difficulties you’re describing, for causes that aren’t unrelated to the truth that they’re hardly ever good interpersonal methods of approaching issue.

The place to begin is sitting with issue, acknowledging it, attempting to soak up what’s actually taking place, actually describing the particularity of it. It’s linked with a sort of philosophical methodology that I’ve come to embrace. And it’s a shift from considering, “Effectively, philosophy goes to be about developing with actually cool arguments to show you must assume this or that,” to considering, “There’s an actual continuity between the literary and human description of phenomena like grief and philosophical reflection.”

As a result of usually what philosophical reflection supplies is much less a proof that you must dwell this fashion and extra ideas with which to articulate your expertise after which construction and information the way you relate to actuality. And seen that approach, we will perceive how philosophy can function as self-help.

To listen to the remainder of the dialog, click on right here, and make sure you comply with The Grey Space on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Pandora, or wherever you take heed to podcasts.

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